Have you ever seen anything so disgusting?
The way he's undressing her with his eyes.
And look at his hands!
- What about them? - His gestures are obscene.
- You should arrest him. - You're joking.
He's pitiful.
- Doesn't he realise she loves me? - l don't think he does.
l don't think she does either.
- Thanks for your support. - Brother! l just talked to Moogie.
- Grand Nagus Zek has disappeared. - What do you mean?
He went on a business safari to open new territories for exploitation.
- That's our Nagus. - He said he'd be back in five days.
- That was twelve days ago! - Twelve?
- Has he done this before? - Not for this long.
No one's heard from him. He could be hurt or dead. We must do something!
He probably stopped off on Risa for a little rest and relaxation.
With all those gorgeous women? He wouldn't do that to Moogie!
Have you seen our mother lately? She's not young.
Now do us both a favour and stop worrying about Zek.
- He'll show up. - Are you sure?
Goodbye, Rom. Goodbye.
- Where did Ezri go? - She slipped out the back with Bashir.
- They left together? - l think they were holding hands.
Oh.
Blessed Exchequer, whose greed is eternal,
allow this humble bribe to open your ears
and hear this plea from your most devout debtor.
Continue to bless my bar with a steady stream of customers
whose pockets are lined with latinum and whose skills at dabo are shaky.
And while you're at it...
...see if you can do something about Dr Bashir.
Don't hurt him or anything, just get him off the station for a couple of months.
And one other thing.
l opened negotiations with Ezri three months ago,
but l can't seem to close the deal.
Anything you can do to help...
Come in.
Ezri.
- Anyone else here? - Just you and me.
- ls that the bedroom? - l owe you.
Does it have to be so rough the first time?
l don't know what you think is going on. Think again.
ls this some new kind of therapy? Should l talk about my childhood?
- l hope not. - Good. l'd rather talk about us.
Dax, you're the most fascinating woman l've ever met. l love you.
There. l said it!
- My name's not Dax. - Oh, l get it.
Your clothes, the knife, this aggression. lt's all role-playing. Call me Shmun.
- Shmun? - And l'll call you T'Lana.
You know, from ''Vulcan Love Slave, Volume Three''.
You're a very confused man, aren't you?
lf Zek is depending on you, he's in more trouble than he thinks.
Zek? What does he have to do with any of this?
l'll let him explain.
Hello, Quark. lt's me, your Grand Nagus.
- You'll never guess where l am. - Risa?
lf you said Risa, guess again. l'm in the alternate universe!
You're not my Dax. You're from over there.
You're catching on.
l'm in a bit of trouble.
l'm being held prisoner by the Alliance
and l'm going to need you to help me regain my freedom.
The Regent will send me home
in exchange for a ship's cloaking device.
They don't have them in this universe. l wish l'd known that before l got here.
l could've saved myself a lot of aggravation and made a nice profit!
However. My fate is in your hands, Quark.
l need a cloaking device and l need it now.
You're the only one l can count on.
lf you do this for me l promise l'll be eternally grateful.
And don't forget to tell your mother l love her.
- Goodbye. - He should've gone to Risa.
The Regent wants it in three days.
That's not much time. Cloaking technology isn't easy to come by.
- You'll find a way. - And if l don't?
The Nagus will die.
- Anyone out there? - Not that l can see.
Then let's do it.
All right, together now...lift!
- lt's heavy. - l noticed.
- Watch the steps. - l see them, brother.
l told you cloaking the cloaking device was a good idea.
Couldn't you have done something about its weight?
Nope. But the cloaking device on the Defiant is heavier.
Tell that to my hernia.
lt seems wrong to be stealing a cloaking device for the Alliance.
We're not stealing it for them, we're stealing it to save Zek.
But what about this other Ezri? She's a Trill.
Shouldn't she be fighting against the Alliance?
Be sure to point that out when you meet her.
Just don't forget, she carries a knife.
Someone's coming.
Set it down. Quick.
Act normal.
We have to find a way to expand our lines beyond the Kalandra System.
Yes. lf we don't move soon, the ionic storms will isolate our position.
And allow the Dominion to flank us.
- Something wrong? - lt's the bulkhead.
Rom might paint his quarters this colour.
- They're already that colour. - No wonder l like it.
lt's a very soothing shade of grey.
- l'm glad you approve. - Captain.
Carry on.
- l'll talk to Admiral Ross. - l'll talk to Chancellor Gowron.
What if they discover the Klingon ship's cloaking device is missing?
- Where is it? - l'm not sure.
Well, find it.
Ooh!
Good job! But l wouldn't touch those induction coils.
Thanks for the warning.
Up we go.
Come on! Ezri's waiting in cargo bay 14.
One Klingon cloaking device, as requested.
l'll bring that to the Regent and he'll release Zek.
- Then what happens? - Then you get him back.
- Would you stop doing that? - Doing what?
- Staring at me. - Sorry.
But you look just like our Ezri, except you're a lot taller.
What? She's exactly the same height!
l don't think so.
Don't be an idiot. l'm telling you they're identical. l think.
Do l have to throw you off this transport pad?
One thing's for sure, their personalities aren't identical.
How do we know the Regent will keep his word and send Zek back?
You don't. But there's not much you can do about it, is there?
Yes, there is. We should go with her.
You won't like it on the other side.
That, l believe. But my idiot brother is right. We're coming with you.
Ferengi! l'll have you hanging by your ears.
What are we waiting for?
- lt didn't work. - Yes, it did. We're on Terok Nor.
lt looks like Deep Space 9 to me.
l suppose a cargo bay is a cargo bay, no matter what universe you're in.
- But shouldn't everything be different? - lt is.
Remember what Captain Sisko said? ln this universe, we're both dead.
That's so sad. l would've liked to meet myself.
- Let's move. A ship's waiting for us. - What's the rush?
This is a rebel base and we're working for the Alliance.
Vic?
- l thought you two were dead. - We are!
- You're not a hologram. - A what?
- Throw down your phasers! - l'll see you in hell first.
l can't believe it. Julian just shot Vic Fontaine!
l thought Vic was his favourite singer.
No wonder they call it the alternate universe.
You, behind the crates. You can come out now.
Do as he says.
Well, well, well. Look who we have here.
l'll bet you're surprised to see us. But l can explain.
- You worthless piece of space trash. - Don't hurt her!
Hey! You're supposed to be the good guys.
My mistake.
The cloaking device is now the property of the resistance.
But we need the cloaking device to rescue the Nagus.
Do you know what we do to Alliance sympathisers?
- Give it a rest, Julian. - When they get what's coming to them.
l like our Bashir better.
You have to forgive him. He's had a rough go of it.
He lost a friend in a skirmish with the Alliance.
This isn't about Jadzia.
lf the Alliance got hold of a cloaking device they'd wipe us out in weeks!
- Besides, l loathe traitors. - l'm not a traitor.
She's right. You have to believe in something before you can betray it.
l believe in getting paid. You still owe me for the last job.
We're fighting for our freedom here, for our very lives.
- All you care about is money? - You have to believe in something.
Let me ram those words down her throat.
The Alliance didn't get the cloaking device. We did.
That gives us the edge. And we have these gentlemen to thank.
What do you want to do? Give them medals?
Their Sisko wouldn't be pleased to know they were over here.
That's why we didn't tell him.
l thought as much.
l say we send them back. Let Sisko deal with them.
We can't go back. Not without Zek.
You've got two choices. You can head back to where you came from
or you can head for Alliance territory
and try to rescue your friend without the cloaking device.
- You have till morning to decide. - Either way, you're staying with us.
- Tough break. - l'll live.
- You sure? - Don't worry about me.
Smiley's right about one thing.
lf you're found without the cloaking device, you're dead.
- Are you suggesting we go home? - lt's the smart move.
Do we look smart to you?
You have such nimble fingers, my dear.
How many times have l heard that?
l don't think l could survive this incarceration without them.
l'm glad to be of help.
l only wish l could return the favour.
After all, you've been suffering here for a lot longer than l have.
lt hasn't been too bad. l always find a way of amusing myself.
Besides, when your people give the Regent the cloaking device,
we'll both be free.
lf Quark and Rom don't screw things up.
Argh!
Have a seat, big boy.
You said your people could deliver the cloaking device.
You guaranteed it.
So l said. And so they shall.
Then we have nothing to worry about.
Oh! So fragile!
That's quite a temper you have, my dear.
lt's one of my best features. Now where were we?
Mind going back to tugging at my ear hairs?
Your wish is my command.
- We have to find a way out of here. - And then?
Then we get the cloaking device and finish what we started.
Let's say you manage to save this Grand Nagus of yours. Then what?
Then we go home. And never come back here again.
- That's it? - lsn't it enough?
Don't play dumb. You're risking your life for him. There has to be a reason.
He's the man my mother loves and the head of the Ferengi Alliance.
ln other words, he's rich.
- They don't come any richer. - l see.
How much will you get out of him?
Knowing the Nagus, l'd say
a pat on the head and a fistful of empty promises.
- l don't understand. - There's nothing to understand.
He's my Nagus. And when your Nagus gets in trouble, you do something.
- Why? - l don't know. Loyalty?
You're doing this out of loyalty?
- You're making me feel like an idiot. - l hope so.
- Brother! l just realised something. - This should be good.
This is meant to be an alternate universe,
but their Captain O'Brien seems as nice as our Chief O'Brien.
- So? - lt doesn't make any sense!
lt's not alternate.
- Go back to sleep, Rom. - Right.
But it's all very confusing.
What was that?
How would l know?
Brother, look out! lt's Brunt!
l don't think it's our Brunt.
- What took you so long? - Sorry. Been busy.
l had to steal back the cloaking device you lost and get it onto our ship.
- And on top of that... - Just get us out of here.
l'm working on it.
You two must be hungry.
l've got food and drink for you on the ship.
- He's so nice. - Scary, isn't it?
What was that?
Brunt modified the dilithium matrix to maximise the output.
- He did, did he? - He's a very good engineer.
He's also a very good cook. These fried tube grubs are delicious.
Better hope he didn't poison them.
Maybe in our universe he'd do that, but not here.
Over here, everything's alternate.
So he's a nice guy.
Tube grubs here should be poisonous because they're not on our side.
But if Brunt gave us poisonous tube grubs it would mean he wasn't nice.
But he has to be because our Brunt isn't.
- Rom, you're driving me crazy. - lt's not me, it's this universe.
- More tube grubs? - Yes, please... No.
Yes!
- Oh, no. - ln case you get hungry.
l put a cup of hot tea by your bunk. You should get some rest.
- lt has been a long day. - You're telling me.
We're due to rendezvous with the Regent in 46 hours.
l'll wake you long before that.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
l'd like to see the look on Bashir's face
when he discovers we've stolen back the cloaking device.
You think they'll come after us?
They can't let the Regent get that technology.
- Your sympathies are with the rebels? - l hate the Alliance.
Then why get them the cloaking device?
Ezri and l are partners. More than that.
She's the closest friend l've ever had.
And how close is that?
Not as close as l'd like.
Too bad.
l'm not her type.
- And l don't think you are either. - What makes you say that?
Let's just say that when it comes to men, she's very particular.
lnteresting. My sinuses are clear for the first time in years.
See if the Ferengi has any more beetle-snuff.
First, my Regent, l must talk to you about the lntendant.
lt's taken us two years to track down that treacherous wench.
We should eliminate her and be done with it.
l will deal with the lntendant in my own way and in my own time.
- But first, l want that cloaking device. - Yes.
Think of it. With a fleet of cloaked ships,
l will be able to crush the rebellion once and for all.
And then we can kill the lntendant.
We will see.
- Big ship. - Can we trust the Regent?
Once he has the cloaking device, he might kill us all.
lt's a little late to back out now, Quark.
By bringing him the cloaking device, you've proven yourself useful.
The Regent never gets rid of anyone he finds useful.
- l hope you're right. - Me, too.
You. Come here. Your Regent needs you.
Nice fit.
Our visitors have arrived
and l'm happy to report they're not empty-handed.
- Look who the Regent is! - So?
Who's president of the Federation? Gul Dukat?
- There is no Federation here. - ls there a problem, Ferengi?
Just ignore him.
Now, if you'll give us the Nagus,
we'll leave and you can go on with your plans for mass destruction,
genocide and all those other good things.
Victory is finally within my grasp.
- l want this operational within the hour. - And it will be so, exalted one.
We have a deal, right?
- Do we? - Tell him.
Yes, my dear, why don't you tell him.
l knew you wouldn't disappoint me.
Uh-oh.
You're not going to give us the Nagus, are you?
You. You knew about this all along.
What can l say? l'm loyal to my friends.
lsn't she just the best?
l don't understand. You're letting her go?
She earned it. Having them bring us the cloaking device was her idea.
- Get rid of these two. - They could come in handy.
lf the Regent wants your opinion, he'll ask for it.
Do not kill them just yet.
- But your magnificence... - You heard me. Lock them up.
Let's go.
- l hope you're very happy together. - We will be.
Our Ezri would never betray us, which means...
- Don't start with that again. - Right.
Rom, you won't tell your mother about the lntendant and me, will you?
- lt would break her heart. - ln a million pieces.
She worships me. And l worship her right back.
Besides, this is all your fault.
lf it weren't for you, l never would've got to this universe.
Remember the last time you came home to visit your mother?
Well, one night while you were sleeping, l got up to get a bite to eat.
And there, on the kitchen table, was a Starfleet padd.
My engineering notebook?
With the schematics for the multi-dimensional transporter!
You stole it!
l'm your Nagus. You have no secrets from me.
l still don't understand why you'd want to come here in the first place?
Simple. l came to find new financial opportunities for the Ferengi people.
ln the alternate universe?
Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Right now, it would be a good idea for us to find a way out of here.
l just don't feel right about this. Quark and Rom deserve better.
- Forget about them. - That's just it. l can't.
- l like them and so do you. - Don't tell me who l like.
Talk to the lntendant. She listens to you.
Tell her we should keep our part of the bargain.
What a novel idea. l can't remember the last time l kept my word.
- Maybe now's a good time to start. - Forget it, Brunt.
- No, not this time. - lt's all right.
Let him talk, my dear.
He obviously feels very passionately about this.
And you know how responsive l am to passion. Go on.
What do we gain from their deaths? Nothing.
On the other hand, if we let them live, they may come in handy.
l never thought of that.
The Regent will give them to you. All you have to do is ask.
Maybe, but why waste a favour on those little trolls?
l'm afraid l don't care for your suggestion.
As a matter of fact, l don't much like you either.
No!
He was going to betray me. l could see it in his eyes.
You wouldn't do that to me, would you? Would you?
Oh. Oh, oh, oh, no.
Of course you wouldn't.
l've suffered so many disappointments in my life.
Brunt, Sisko, Bareil... The list goes on and on.
Dispose of that, would you? lt depresses me.
lt's your mess. You clean it up.
She's not afraid of anyone, is she? Not even me.
Regent, long-range sensors have detected an enemy ship.
- lt's the Defiant. - Excellent.
- lt is time to test the cloaking device. - l'm afraid it's not yet operational.
- And why is that? - lt's very complicated equipment.
One of the Ferengi knew how it worked.
- Then why is he not here? - l'll get him.
Getting the cloaking device on-line? Simple.
- Good. Lower the force field. - Hold on a second.
Why should we help the Regent? Or you, for that matter?
- l'm trying to save your lives. - That's a very worthy goal.
Since when do you care about us?
- OK. Forget it. - l don't want to forget it.
Brother, maybe you want to die in this crazy, mixed up universe, but l don't.
Neither do l. Lower the force field!
l suppose we have nothing to lose.
- Where do you think you're going? - He needs my help.
You're a bartender. What are you going to do? Mix him a drink?
Don't worry, brother. l'm not thirsty.
l don't expect you to believe this, but l am trying to help you.
You're right. l don't believe you.
lsodine coupler.
Does this look like an isodine coupler to you?
How does anything get fixed here?
l'd advise you to watch your tone of voice.
Or what? You won't let me install the cloaking device?
l'm sorry if l've upset you.
Now will you please get back to work.
Don't mind if l do.
- Really? - Absolutely.
- l've never tried that. - Few men have.
l think you'll find it very stimulating.
- What do you expect in return? - Terok Nor, of course.
l was planning to destroy that station.
Plans can be changed.
- l will consider it. - What more can l ask?
- Uh...Mr Regent. - What is it?
- Your cloak is ready. - l'll take over from here.
- lt's working. - Well done.
You mean no one can see us?
How deliciously deceitful.
Do you know how to operate the device?
What l don't know, l'll learn.
lt's pretty simple. Once you understand the basics.
Now what about my brother and the Nagus?
Do we have any further use for them?
- Not that l can think of. - Then get rid of them.
- You mean we're going home? - No, he means you're going to die.
That settles it. l'm never helping you again.
Or anyone else, for that matter.
- Come along. - l'm beginning to hate this universe.
What we have here, gentlemen, is ten cc's of concentrated Ulcartic virus.
lt's very deadly and quite painful.
lt elevates the temperature of your body,
heating your internal organs until they literally boil.
l was hoping to use it on the lntendant,
but l suppose l'll have to settle for the four of you.
Now. Who would like to go first?
l'm waiting.
Give us a few days to think it over and we'll get back to you.
All right then, l'll pick. Let's see...
- What an amateur. - Excuse me?
l mean compared to our Garak. He knows how to conduct an interrogation.
- l'm not interrogating anyone. - Why not?
Did it ever occur to you that we may know things
that you could use to your advantage?
- Like what? - We're not going to tell you.
- Not unless you interrogate us. - l don't have time for this.
l want to be on the bridge when we destroy the Defiant.
ln our universe, work comes before pleasure.
Our Garak would have us hanging by our toenails, telling him our secrets.
- What secrets? - That's for us to know.
lf you were smart, you'd cross over to our universe
and get some pointers from our Garak.
When it comes to torture, assassination and sabotage,
you could learn a lot from him.
l know all there is to know about sabotage.
That's not what we hear.
Something's wrong. We should've caught that Ferengi ship.
For all we know, the Regent may already have the cloaking device.
He might have us in his sights right now.
Don't start getting paranoid, Smiley.
Even if he has it, chances are it isn't functional.
l hope you're right.
They have no idea that we are behind them.
There's nothing l enjoy better than a good ambush.
lt is time.
l don't understand. ls this Garak of yours an assassin or a tailor?
- Assassin. - Both.
Never mind. l have to be back on the bridge.
Now, who's first?
Drop the cloak.
- l hate it when you're right. - Evasive action. Now.
Fire!
- What was that? - Sabotage. What else?
We've had a primary system failure.
- That Ferengi did this! - l can't get anything back on-line.
You taught me about sabotage.
Now l'm going to teach you about pain.
How much is this going to cost us?
l'm not doing this for money.
Then why?
- You want to get out of here or not? - Of course we do.
Then stop asking questions and let's go.
- They're not coming after us. - Why not?
They can't. Their power grid is off-line.
Then let's give the Regent a proper greeting.
Reversing course.
- We must raise shields. - We can't.
l don't know how much more of this the hull can withstand.
Captain O'Brien would like to have a word with you.
That's a nice ship you have. l'd hate to see it destroyed.
But of course, if you insist.
What are your terms?
A simple unconditional surrender should do the trick.
l'm afraid you've run out of options.
Victory is yours.
- Prepare to be boarded. - l have been betrayed.
l should have killed those two Ferengi the moment they came aboard.
What a surprise. l've been looking everywhere for you.
Here l am.
ls that really necessary?
l was about to ask you the same question.
Ah.
That's better. You and l have to get to one of the escape shuttles.
- You go. l'm staying here. - You can't be serious.
- You shouldn't have killed Brunt. - lt's too late to develop a conscience.
l hope it isn't.
- Brunt's dead? - Sorry, wrong Brunt.
We're not going to let her get away, are we?
l owe her that much.
Oh, let her go.
There's something about that woman l find intoxicating.
- Glad to be going home? - You bet l am.
But that doesn't mean l won't be coming back.
You? What for?
There's a fortune to be made in the alternate universe.
Don't expect us to chase after you again.
l won't. Next time, l'll bring you along with me.
ln that case, l won't bother saying goodbye.
You know, coming back here isn't such a bad idea.
lf l knew l could see you again.
l'm not going anywhere.
l could stick around a couple of days. You could show me the station.
l don't think that's such a good idea.
l could help you work on that conscience of yours.
l think l can take it from here.
- Excuse me. - Leeta?
- Do l know you? - We're married.
l don't think so.
You're Ezri, right?
Captain Smiley wants me to debrief you.
Must be my lucky day.
This is quite a fascinating place, don't you agree?
l want to go home.
Me, too.

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