- Hey, Dad. - Jako.
Dinner's almost ready.
You've convinced the Peljenites to exchange ambassadors.
How do you know that?
You only cook Hungarian food when you're in a really good mood.
l always said that you are a smart child.
Runs in the family.
l have some good news, too. Captain Yates is back on the station.
Kasidy Yates, the freighter captain l told you about.
The one you want me to meet?
l could invite her over. How about tomorrow night?
We're getting a little ahead of ourselves here.
l know you want me to meet her and l will.
- Let me handle it my way. - You're going to like her, Dad.
You never know.
The place is packed.
- Where's Nog? - l gave him the night off.
He's studying for his Starfleet exams.
He's a disgrace to his family and to Ferengi everywhere.
He should be helping us earn profit, not learning to be more human.
- He just wants to join Starfleet. - lt's the same thing.
That's how it begins.
All it takes is for one youngster to join Starfleet
and a generation of Ferengi will be quoting the Prime Directive
and abandoning the pursuit of latinum.
lt's the end of Ferengi civilisation. And it's your fault.
Nog isn't going to destroy the Ferengi way of life.
He just wants a job with better hours.
- You must be Quark. - That's me.
- Brunt, FCA. - The Ferengi Commerce Authority.
- A writ of accountability. - We're in trouble.
The bar is closed. Everybody out.
Go, go, go!
Now! Everybody! This way!
How do you get to be an FCA liquidator?
Hard work, bribes, sucking up to the boss.
Just like any other job. Are these all your assets?
- Yes. - No.
Down to the last slip of latinum.
You realise concealing financial information from the FCA
could result in severe fines?
l would never hide anything from the FCA.
We'll see.
- Could l look over those figures again? - Yes.
Wait a minute. That can't be right.
Rom, you forgot to include the profit for the wine franchise.
But you told me...
Go get them. Now.
Yes, brother.
You'll have to excuse Rom.
He means well but he can be a lobeless idiot sometimes.
Please provide a dermal imprint for FCA records.
You haven't told me what l'm charged with.
No. l haven't.
Oh! How rude of me. For your trouble.
You're being charged with violating Ferengi Trade By-Laws,
subsection 1 027, paragraph 3.
l'm not sure l'm familiar with that one.
You need a copy of the by-laws.
Which you just happen to have.
Subsection 1 027, paragraph 3.
''lmproper supervision of a family member''?
You are being held accountable for the criminal activities of lshka,
daughter of Adred, wife of Keldar.
lshka? You mean our mother. What's she done?
She's charged with...
earning profit.
Earning profit? Our Moogie?
Odo, l'm holding you responsible for the safety of my bar
for as long as l'm off the station.
- Going somewhere? - Back to the homeworld.
A little trouble with the FCA?
How do you know? l won't be gone long.
All l've got to do is get my mother to confess to her crimes.
- What's your mother done? - lt doesn't matter.
l'm required to get her to admit her wrongdoing
and make reparations. That is what l'm going to do.
Assuming she cooperates.
She'd better. l have no intention of spending my latinum
to make restitution for her crimes.
l will wring that confession out of her.
This is your mother?
Don't remind me.
Chief O'Brien wants to know when you can inspect the new runabout.
l will be available at 1 400 hours. Tell him l want to name it the Rubicon.
The rate we go through runabouts,
it's a good thing the Earth has so many rivers.
Have you met her yet?
- Met who? - Captain Yates.
- How did you know about her? - Jake introduced us.
Are you going to ask her out for dinner?
l'm considering it. What did you think about her?
Let me put it this way.
lf l were Curzon, l'd have stolen her from you by now.
That's one of the reasons l'm glad you're not Curzon any more.
Brother, wait. l'm coming with you.
- No, you're not. - Yes, l am.
What did l tell you about contradicting me?
You're going to watch over the bar while l'm gone.
The bar's closed. There's no reason why l can't come.
l'll give you a reason. l don't want you to.
- You'll just take her side. - You mean Moogie?
Yes, l mean Moogie. Stop calling her by that infantile nickname.
- She likes it. - l don't.
- She does. - You see? You always take her side.
Somebody has to. After all, she is our mother.
- l'm coming with you. - All right. Fine.
Come if you want. Just remember one thing:
this is between Moog...
Mother and me.
lf you know what's good for you, you'll stay out of the way.
Welcome to our home.
Place your imprint on the legal waivers
and deposit your admission fee in the box by the door.
- Remember, my house is my house. - As are its contents.
lt's good to be back, isn't it? You haven't been here in 20 years.
lf l had my way, l would have been gone another 20.
Mother has been acquiring quite a few new things.
Doubtless with the generous stipend you give her.
The latinum tooth-sharpener l used when we were children.
All l had was a wooden chew stick.
Excuse me for interrupting, but we have business to attend to.
lt's my duty to present
a formal list of the infractions committed by your mother.
You have three days to obtain an admission of guilt.
lf you are not able to, your mother will be placed in servitude
and you will make restitution for her crimes. Do you understand?
He understands.
Not that it matters. l'm not confessing anything.
Moogie!
lt's good to see you, son.
You look well.
And you look...dressed.
Your mother is wearing clothes.
Mother, get undressed this instant.
Hello, Quark. You haven't changed a bit.
- Perhaps l should leave. - Perhaps you should.
- Was she addressing me? - No, not at all.
This is my home and l'll speak to whomever l want.
He's a stranger and you're a female.
l know what l'm doing.
Perhaps you do, but l will not stand here and be spoken to by a female.
l'm sure there's an explanation.
You have three days to get your house in order.
See what you've done?
You're upsetting your brother.
He's not the only one who's upset. Not that anyone cares how l feel.
That's not true. l care.
Then imprint this and take off those clothes.
l'm not doing anything of the kind.
You're going to make a full confession so l can go back to my bar.
We're leaving so soon?
This is your home. You can stay as long as you like.
Or leave whenever you like. lt's up to you.
- Same old Moogie. - Yeah.
Are you sure this is absolutely necessary?
l don't know if l would call it necessary.
There's no telling how long Quark will be away.
- We want our dartboard. - Can't you replicate another?
- We could. - But we're not going to.
That's our dartboard.
lf Quark was going to run off,
he could give us warning so we could retrieve our property.
Getting it back might not be that simple.
This is one of Rom's special security locks.
l've never seen anything so convoluted.
Gentlemen, is there a problem?
Quark has locked some of Chief O'Brien and Dr Bashir's personal property
inside the bar.
Let me guess. Your lucky dartboard?
- We never said it was lucky. - We're used to playing on it.
A little defensive, aren't they?
lt looks like it's a tripartite microsealing mechanism.
lt's going to take a long time to get through that.
- l'll be in cargo bay... - Four.
Seven.
l thought...
Thought what?
l thought you were going to...
talk to the freighter captain.
Jake's friend.
- How do you two know about her? - The Chief told me.
Exactly how many people has Jake told about this woman?
Everyone.
Tube grubs, extra juicy. Just the way you like them.
- What are you doing? - Serving dinner.
- That's Mother's job. - She's not feeling well.
Wait a minute.
That's not bad.
We could say she's having emotional problems.
We might even get the FCA to drop the charges.
Actually, all she has is a slight rash.
That's hardly an excuse not to serve her sons dinner.
She hasn't even softened the grubs for us.
Moogie never liked chewing our food for us.
She had her own way of doing things.
The other children used to tease us about her.
''Your mother won't chew your food. Your mother talks to strangers.''
She went out of her way to embarrass us.
Not to mention Father.
l remember.
There were nights when l would find him slumped in this chair.
He'd say, ''l don't know what l'm going to do about that female.''
No wonder he never earned much profit. He was too busy worrying about her.
He could have done better if she'd behaved herself,
showed him the respect he deserved.
She may have dragged Father down, but not me.
- lt's time someone put her in her place. - Have anyone in mind for the job?
Dank and musty.
- l picked them from the cellar. - Mother, we need to talk.
Forget it, Quark. l am not imprinting the confession.
lt doesn't take away from your achievement.
Admit what you did and tell the name of any male who helped you.
- What exactly did she do? - Never mind what she did.
- Would you prefer l told him? - All right.
She took a part of the stipend l send her and invested it in a beetle farm.
High quality beetles.
- The best. - How much did you make?
Three bars of gold-pressed latinum.
lsn't the FCA overreacting a little?
lt doesn't matter if it's one slip or 1 00,000 bars.
Females are not allowed to earn profit.
Why not?
lt's the law. Without law, society would descend into chaos.
lf you ask me, this society could use a little chaos.
l wish Father were alive. Then it would be just like old times.
Sitting around the family table, discussing important issues.
Mother, l know you're not like other females.
You like to think about things, you have opinions.
ls that a compliment or an accusation?
lt's a fact. But if you don't imprint this confession,
you'll be sold into servitude and l'll be forced to make restitution.
lt's only three bars of latinum.
l'm not going to let them destroy this family.
lf our disgrace is made known, we could never do business again.
l wouldn't do business with me.
Mother, please.
For our family's reputation, for your sons' financial future,
please imprint the confession.
l can't. l wish you could understand, Quark.
l understand perfectly.
You're a selfish female who never cared about this family,
about Father or about me.
You haven't changed your bedroom. lt's still very traditional.
l keep it this way to remind myself
how idiotic Ferengi tradition can be when it comes to females.
- Rom, is something wrong? - Wrong? No.
Not really.
Except...your clothes.
Would you feel more comfortable if l took them off?
Maybe just a little.
lf it will make you feel better. But only for you.
- Better? - Much.
lt would mean a lot to Quark if you imprint that confession.
- He's made that quite clear. - l know he can be headstrong,
not to mention mean and insulting and rude, but he's not all bad.
He works hard. You should see the bar. lt's thriving.
l'd like to, but Ferengi tradition doesn't allow females to travel.
- Quark doesn't make the rules. - He just lives by them.
- Like a good Ferengi. - Like an unenlightened Ferengi.
Moogie, can't you give back the three bars of latinum?
You'll destroy everything Quark's worked for.
You always were a good boy.
Quark doesn't know how lucky he is to have a brother as loyal as you.
He knows. He just doesn't like showing it.
lf you cooperate, l can convince him to increase your stipend.
This isn't about money.
Quark has always been more than generous with my stipend.
lf it's not about money, then what is it about?
lt's about pride.
Knowing l'm just as capable of earning profit as any male.
lf l imprint that confession, l'll be admitting that what l did was wrong.
l'm not going to do that. l'd rather be sold into servitude.
- But what about Quark? - He's a smart boy.
He can take care of himself.
Enough about your brother. Let me see your teeth.
- Why? - They're looking a little dull.
l'll sharpen them for you.
Here we are.
Moogie, you're the best.
Pardshay, don't be an idiot. Go get an anti-grav sled.
Why don't you beam it to your cargo hold?
l wish l could, but it's unstable biomatter.
The transporter should handle it
if you adjust the phase transition inhibitor.
Provided l had a Mark Vll transporter.
- You're still using a Mark Vl? - A Mark V.
- They stopped making those... - 1 5 years ago.
When you work for the Petarians, you make do with what they give you.
Let me guess. Commander Sisko.
- Benjamin. - Kasidy Yates.
Yes, l know. My son has told me a lot about you.
Jake fancies himself something of a matchmaker.
He means well. He gets a little enthusiastic now and then.
That sounds like the inertium ore. l'd better see what's going on.
- l can take care of it. - Of course.
Sorry about Jake.
How about coffee? Say tomorrow evening. 1 800 hours?
- Sounds good. - l'll see you tomorrow.
There's nothing like sleeping in your old room.
- So how was your night? - Mother's been busy.
Really? l didn't even know she was up yet.
l mean she's been busy. l've been doing some checking.
This isn't about three bars of latinum.
- She earned more? - A lot more.
So much that l haven't been able to track it all down.
She's been operating under dozens of different aliases,
conducting transactions all over the Ferengi Alliance.
Do you know what this means?
Moogie's got the lobes for business.
Even if l sold everything l have,
l couldn't come close to paying back what she's earned.
l'm ruined.
Brother?
- ls everything all right? - Mm-hm.
l'm so proud of you.
Other people in your situation might lose their temper,
make a bad situation worse. But not my brother.
You're too smart for that.
You're going to sit there and study the problem,
and then come up with a clear, simple solution.
- l already have. - You see? l told you.
- What is it? - l'm going to kill her.
Moogie!
Caught you. Give me that.
- Give you what? - That padd you just hid.
- lt's a letter to your cousin Stol. - A likely story.
l knew it. You were trying to hide more profits.
lt won't work. l know all about your little financial empire.
- lt's not so little. - Then you admit it?
l'm sure Moogie has an explanation.
Since when does a Ferengi have to make excuses for making profit?
- You're a female. - And when it comes to profit,
this female is a better Ferengi than you'll ever be.
You expect me to believe you did all this on your own?
You had help. Admit it. Tell me his name.
The FCA will hang him by his lobes in the Sacred Marketplace.
- You can be so thickheaded. - There's no need to be insulting.
lnsults are the only thing he understands.
He's so jealous he can't even think straight.
Me? Jealous of you?
You're just like your father.
Why would father be jealous of you?
l had the lobes for business and he didn't.
l tried to help him,
but he wouldn't listen to me because l was a female.
What other reason did he need? Females don't belong in business.
- Give me one reason why not. - Because it's wrong.
You're going to have to do better than that.
lt's the law.
That was good enough for Father and for me.
A lot of things were good enough for your father.
He was a lobeless failure.
lf you're not careful, you'll end up just like him.
- That does it. - Where are you going?
To the FCA.
Let's see what they have to say about your financial empire.
Brother, wait. l'm not going to let you hurt mother.
She's no mother of mine.
Because of what she said? Did it occur to you she might be right?
How dare you take her side against Father's?
Don't tell me about Father. l knew him better than you did.
You went off, but l stayed here for ten more years.
You know what l learned? Father was no financial genius.
- Take that back. - lt's the truth.
He went from one bad deal to the next.
He couldn't hold onto latinum if you sewed it into his pants.
Take that back!
Quark! Rom! That's enough!
- Let him go. - But Moogie!
Stop it! Stop it, both of you!
lf your brother wants to go to the FCA, let him.
- You'll get in trouble. - l'll worry about that.
What are you waiting for?
That is the steepest 40 flights of stairs l have ever climbed.
Seven strips of latinum to use the elevator. Talk about inflation.
Refined dilithium down ten per cent?
The name's Quark. l'm here to see Liquidator Brunt.
Of course.
l'll tell Liquidator Brunt you're here. Have a seat.
- How much? - Three slips.
- l'll stand. - That'll be one slip.
l'll give you two for the chair.
lf you're delivering a confession, l'll see that Liquidator Brunt gets it.
Tell Brunt l need to talk to him.
l have information that could shake the Ferengi Alliance.
Brother, wait!
- l have to sit down. - That'll be three slips of latinum.
- Brother, can you loan me...? - Yeah, yeah.
Here.
- What do you want? - l have a message from Moogie.
She'll share it with you.
- What was that? - Her profits. 50-50.
Tell Brunt l'll talk to him later. Let's try out that elevator.
- But it's so expensive. - l can afford it.
For your trouble.
Mother, l want to apologise for all the terrible things l said.
l was angry and l got carried away. l'm sorry.
Apology accepted.
l'm glad Rom was able to catch you before you made a horrible mistake.
lt would have been a shame to waste all that profit.
l'm glad we agree.
- How much latinum have you made? - Does it matter?
l just want to make sure that everything is divided fairly.
- 50-50. Just like you said. - l never said that.
You said he'd let me keep all the profit for myself.
l said no such thing.
So l lied to both of you.
lt was the only way to get you talking.
There's nothing to say.
Don't get your lobes caught in the door on your way out.
You're both acting like children.
l will not let this family fall apart. Quark, you should be ashamed.
You treat Cardassians with more respect than your own mother.
Moogie, if Quark can uncover your hidden investments,
eventually the FCA will, too.
Then all that profit will be lost. Think about that for a moment.
Neither of you is going to leave this room until you've settled things.
ls that clear?
And no shouting!
l'm going to take a nap.
He's a sweet boy.
That's easy for you to say. He doesn't live next door to you.
You're too hard on him.
You always have been.
l had to be. You were always too easy on him.
lf you'd pushed him harder, he would have amounted to something.
l doubt it.
When it comes to business, he's a lot like your father.
You enjoy insulting Father, don't you?
l'm not insulting anyone. l'm just being honest.
Rom's a lot like his father.
And you, l suppose, are a lot like me.
l never knew you felt like that.
Your father bought you your first copy of the Rules of Acquisition,
but who helped you memorise them?
You did.
l don't think l've ever been prouder
than the first time you made it through all 285 rules
without a mistake.
Rom knows them as well as l do.
But you understand them.
Rom never did. And neither did his father.
But even if Keldar didn't know the first thing about profit,
he knew everything about family.
He was a good husband
and a wonderful father.
And l loved him for that. The way l love Rom.
And the way l love you.
You mean that?
Yes, l suppose l do.
lf it'll make you happy, l'll give back the money.
- You'll imprint the confession? - You're my son, Quark.
You don't know how much this means.
l know exactly how much this means to you.
Oh, Moogie.
l love you.
There's no place like New Orleans. Good food, great music.
- Sounds like a great place to grow up. - The best.
- Can l get you another "raktajino?" - No, l'm fine.
You seem a little preoccupied.
When we made our plans, l forgot...
l had a previous engagement.
- l see. - lt's not what you think.
lt's a family obligation. My brother's a colonist on Cestus lll.
That's on the other side of the Federation.
lt takes two weeks for a subspace transmission to get here.
- l'm expecting one tonight. - l hope nothing's wrong.
Not unless he hurt himself again. Last time it was his knee.
How did that happen?
He was doing something called ''sliding into second''.
- Sliding into second? - Yes.
- That sounds like baseball. - You know about baseball?
lt's my favourite sport, but no one has played it for 200 years.
They've been playing it on Cestus lll for the last six months.
l had no idea! How many teams are there?
Six, but they're trying to organise a couple more.
l didn't know you liked baseball.
l didn't know anyone liked baseball except me and Jake.
This transmission l mentioned is an audio recording of a game
between my brother's team and the Cestus Comets.
lf you'd like, you're welcome to listen to it with me.
- l'd love to. - Great.
Does your brother's league use the designated hitter rule?
They decided against it.
- Wood bats or polyduranide? - Wood, of course.
Could your brother use a right-handed pitcher?
Everything seems to be in order.
We can finally put an end to this matter.
- l hope you learnt your lesson. - And what would that be?
She's speaking to me again.
- No, she wasn't. - She's speaking to me.
What were you saying about a lesson?
The lesson is no one can outsmart the FCA.
She's learnt that.
Her confession will be a warning to females all over the Alliance.
l don't think anyone has to know about this.
What would people say if they knew a female had earned...
that much latinum?
l shudder to think.
Goodbye.
l sincerely hope l never see any of you again.
The feeling is mutual.
l thought he'd never leave.
Mother, must you?
l've just given up a sizable fortune. l'm in no mood for your nagging.
You're absolutely right. lf you want to wear clothes, go ahead.
- l'm leaving anyway. - So soon?
l have to reopen the bar.
You could call your mother once in a while. Maybe even visit.
l will. l promise.
- Let's go, Rom. - l'll be along in a moment.
l'm glad to see you two are getting along.
l think things will be a lot better between us from now on.
lf he doesn't find out you only gave the FCA a third of your profits.
A third was too much.
lt's my fault for not hiding it better.
The FCA won't find the rest?
l've got it hidden so well l'll be lucky if l can find it.
Oh, Moogie.
Now, Rom, don't start crying. You'll get me doing it.
Go on. Quark's waiting for you.
Take good care of your brother.

---

---